Day 29: Life Without Foundation

The morning was 2 squares of the lasagna experiment from yesterday. Quite good. 

I forced down the 50oz. of water that I am supposed to drink every day.

Lunch was extended over an afternoon of cleaning the house with the wife. In between the chores, I tried to make the cheese ‘crackers’ from day 8. One batch was too gooey and all stuck together, the next was burnt to a crisp. The last was almost there – just a tad chewy. There’s a small perfection window for these things, and next time I try, it’s exactly 8 minutes in a 300 degree oven.

In the evening, I had 2 more squares of the lasagna as well as some kielbasa on some low carb bread. 

My only cheat was a cherry and 1/3 pomegranate. 

Looking for some food ideas, I came across this meatball idea over at Food Chains – a thoughtful blog from New Zealand. I might give something like it a try. Dr. Dan, the fellow who writes Food Chains, is more Paleo in his thinking than I – I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I can’t give up all processed foods and dairy without some extreme effort of will that just isn’t there. I experimented with it over the summer, and while I have great respect for the approach, I’m just too screwed up to do full Paleo.

The weigh-in today is the same as yesterday’s: 209 – 5 down from the start of 214.

I’m reading a book at present – Mistakes Were Made (but not by me) – it’s about how our minds twist, pervert, and even fabricate the ‘truth’ so we can remain internally consistent. I’ve read other books on the subject, but this one is more damning – you read it and can’t help but to reflect on oneself. We all live in a warm cocoon of the lies we tell ourselves – some of us just have thicker cocoons than others. 

If you thought your cocoon was on the thin side, this book will probably reveal to you it’s thicker than you thought. 

So far, the book has left me in a quandary. It leads you to conclusions that you question: is this yet another convenient lie I’m telling myself?

It almost makes conclusions worthless. I once heard a saying: a conclusion is the point where you got tired of thinking. If that’s all it is, we certainly shouldn’t be putting a lot of significance to our conclusions or beliefs about anything.

But if we do that, where is our internal anchor?

I’ve often thought the secret of life might be: since we’re all delusional, pick delusions that make you happy.

Nearing the end of my 30-day experiment, I’ve shown little progress from the start. What do I attribute it to, so that I can take steps to remedy it in the next 30 days without wrapping them in a web of rationalizations that help to keep me safe and warm, yet keep me further away from my goal?

It leads me back to a favorite quote from Joe Frank from a posting from way back:

When you see the faces of true zealots – people with complete faith in their particular point of view, what you see is a glow of energy that comes not from spiritual development, but from the fact that they experience a sense of certainty, free of confusion. They are like a man in a forest. He has no idea where he is, but he sets up a campsite in a little clearing, builds a fire, draws a map of the immediate area and feels better because he’s created the illusion of order, even though he should know he is absolutely lost…If you look throughout history, you see the same questions asked over and over again…but the answers are forever changing. You can be certain that today’s answers will be replaced by tomorrow’s, and so on until eternity. The only thing that doesn’t change is the questions. The questions will always be there. They’re the only thing you can count on. Answers are for people who don’t have the courage to live with questions.

It’s one thing to be doubter and assume that someday down the road you are going to achieve enlightenment, but if you are really committed to doubt, then you live a life without foundation. You say: ‘I will never know the answers to any of these questions – this search is going to be fruitless’, while the person living in certainty is living in a much more comfortable, though perhaps delusional, world. Never mind the answers: learn to live with the questions.

At present, I am concluding nothing.