I haven’t written because I’ve been having a hard time finding the words to describe what happened after I wrote the post ‘The Rules This Time‘. It was something of a turning point, though maybe not in the way you’d expect. In a way, I think it has brought me to a higher level of understanding – and in my life, each ratchet up in understanding has always provided greater clarity into my own stupidity, and revealed just how much more there is to be revealed.
The more I learn, the less it seems I know.
For those of you following at home: I wrote the above post, then began following it. I did all of these things and was feeling quite good about myself – losing weight, feeling greater energy.
Then something happened.
A wave of utter despair overwhelmed me. It came out of nowhere and crippled me for days. Remember – this time I included two very different, seemingly non-diet related items on my list: meditation and a complete and total news diet.
You know how people say ‘It was so noisy that I couldn’t hear myself think?’ Well, if your mind is used to a constant stream of disconnected factoids on 100 subjects from various sources, it can drown out some of your quieter thoughts.
I think, for the first time in a long time, I heard from these thoughts because I simply had created some space by reducing the flood of trivialities coming in to my mind.
And these thoughts told me that I was treating myself like shit.
I thought about an incident where my wife found a Thai fusion restaurant and wanted me to join her there. It filled me with resentment and anger – I’m on a diet! I went nonetheless and ate, joyless, filled with anger at myself and at her.
In the quiet space to think I created, I began to look at this event differently. I want to lose weight to be happier, and yet here was life presenting me with a happy moment – a great new restaurant to share with my wife and family – and I let it pass.
Why do I want to lose weight again? What’s the point of it all?
I looked at the rules I wrote and found them lacking depth – I also read some of my old posts and found them lacking depth.
The reason being that they led to my treating myself like some mechanism rather than an unimaginably complex being. They left out the mind totally – even though I paid it lip service, I really wasn’t addressing it.
Weight loss was supposed to make me happy. No weight loss – no happiness.
I had gotten it all wrong.
To be continued…