Choosing the Right Mobility Scooter is HARD

I can’t believe just how hard it is to pick a good mobility scooter.

Do I get 3-wheel or 4-wheel? Folding or non-folding? Do I assume that I will make it to 400 pounds and opt for one that I can use long-term?

God – there’s even a *turning radius* I need to concern myself with. Maneuverability in a crowded store on a Saturday is a must.

Then there’s seat height. If the seat is too high I might not be able to reach the lower shelves in the grocery store – but too low and I won’t be able to reach the high ones! I’ve never made a detailed analysis of my shopping patterns to determine if I tend to buy more foods from the higher shelves than the lower. Perhaps I should start gathering statistics on this.

There also seems to be a point at which a lift for your vehicle is a must as these scooters can get heavy. That means I have to decide if I want to trick out my ride – a 10-year-old minivan – with a custom lift. I haven’t even priced those yet.

Let’s not forget about the importance of style. You don’t want to do your electrified cruising through the aisles in something that doesn’t reflect a level of discernment on your part. Some of these scooters are downright stodgy – I’d like to reflect a more modern and polished image.

Beige and blue with an office wastebasket tacked to the front? You can't be serious.

Beige and blue with an office wastebasket tacked to the front? You can’t be serious.

Some try to effect a ‘Harley’ look so you can feel like you’re riding a hog, Steppenwolf’s ‘Born to be Wild’ playing in the background with your biker chick riding behind, her hair blowing back in the wind – instead of just you whirring about on a mobility scooter with a max speed of 4 miles per hour.

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“Get out on the highway, lookin’ for adventure…”

Others are decidedly futuristic, taking a page from the Japanese motorcycle esthetic.

If Darth Vader had a mobility scooter...

If Darth Vader had a mobility scooter…

I don’t know if I’m more a Harley guy or a rice-burner type, not having been a motorcyclist.

People into these things are quite religious about their choices. This choice would put me firmly in one camp and make me a pariah in another so I must choose carefully. Making the wrong esthetic choice could hamper my social life.

Some have names like ‘Prowler’, ‘Maxima’, and my favorite: ‘Avenger’. The definition of the word ‘avenger’ is: one who inflicts punishment for injury or offense. Will I be able to fight crime and make America a better place while buzzing through the candy aisle on an Avenger?

Is anyone really going to fight crime on one of these?

The Avenger. Is anyone really going to fight crime on one of these?

You know what I think?

I think I’d better get the hell back on my diet so I don’t need one of these things!

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