I have little booklet where I had restarted a ritual that had worked well for me for close to a decade. I fold a piece of printer paper into a little 8-page book I could slip in my pocket. I kept my to-dos as well as my goals in this. Each week I rewrote it.
A lot of times the goals I wrote I didn’t achieve – but enough did to make it worthwhile.
I don’t have the book with me now but I recall the big ones being:
- I eat low carb, healthy, and in small portions
- I cook more and use the food saver to freeze meals
- I don’t drink alcohol until I am 200 lbs.
I didn’t mention a weight loss goal – yet – because I have been so awful and didn’t know what I weighed.
I know what I weigh now – 278.0. Impressively BAD.
I got here because of a combination of factors – one of them being hedonism, and the other just not giving a shit.
I bought new clothes in larger sizes online than I can find in the store and made another hole in my belt this very morning so I don’t damage my internal organs using it to keep up my pants.
It’s a shitty situation and I’ve failed a thousand more times than i’ve succeeded – but here I am, embarrassing myself – trying again.
The chances of this happening beg the term: ‘when pigs fly’. She was correct in her usage. Wikipedia defines the phrase thusly:
“When pigs fly” is an adynaton, a way of saying that something will never happen. The phrase is often used for humorous effect, to scoff at over-ambition. There are numerous variations on the theme; when an individual with a reputation for failure finally succeeds, onlookers may sarcastically claim to see a flying pig.
I’m going to attempt to start with a ‘flavor fast’. It’s a name I’ve given to eating as few flavors as possible. The point of this to try to break the hedonistic desire for foods of many different flavors and textures and keep it to a few basics – and not necessarily stuff I really like.
I’m not quite sure how to go about not giving a shit – apathy is a tough one to get around. I’ve found small wins can help, but it hasn’t proven a magic bullet for me in a long while. That’s why I restarted the little paper booklet ritual again. Perhaps if I start with some focus and force myself to actually HAVE goals, then maybe – maybe – I’ll actually start heading in that direction.
So far I plan on Atkins Shakes and coffee – we’ll see what gets added from here.
I had an appointment with my doctor for July 7th that I cancelled and rescheduled for October. I told the nurse the doctor wanted me to come in to see some improvement since my last visit but I hadn’t done a damn thing and was going to start now – which she found quite funny.
By mid-afternoon I had a shake as well as a big glass of water with psyllium flakes. I use the raw, unpleasant kind rather than the finely ground and orangy Metamucil. Not that Metamucil is bad stuff – I’m just so used to the coarse-ground unflavored stuff that I don’t care.
When I first lost 80 pound on low carb starting in 2003 I used this stuff mostly because I though I might get ‘stopped up’ without it – though that wasn’t really the case. I also drank the shakes as well as a lot of water and it seemed to work then…maybe it will work 13 years later?
Late afternoon before leaving work I had some food fantasies: what else would I to my ‘flavor fast’? I began to imagine the chili I had made, the hamburgers and dogs from the day before. My stomach bothered me and sometimes I eat just to settle an upset stomach but this time I didn’t.
My family then went out while I sat and drank water, wondering what I would eat for ‘dinner’. I eventually decided on a leftover cheeseburger, without bun, with a bit of onion and ketchup.
And that was it for my eating.
They came back with takeout mussels from a local restaurant. I was offered some but didn’t have any.
My tally for the day was small: maybe 700 calories total. Under 20 grams net carbs. 54 grams of protein.