I hate when I screw up and lose weight

I hate when this happens.

Despite the fact that I indulged myself on 3 double cheeseburgers at McDonald’s yesterday – as well as ate generously of leftover candy some bastard coworker brought in, I lost almost 2 pounds.

It makes me think I have no *clue* what or how to eat to lose weight.

As mentioned in a previous post, I need to visit a client on Wednesday and want to look somewhat presentable. I am lucky to say that I am accepted as I am by my colleagues – but perhaps still vain enough that I would like to up my image from Old Navy khakis and polo shirts when visiting someone important. This is compounded with the fact that I am going to go with 3 other people and needs to at least attempt to somewhat match.

The good news is my industry is not a dressy, formal one. ‘Business casual’ is the norm, but there’s a spectrum to that and for a visit with someone I have never met, you would like to present yourself on the higher end of that spectrum.

I *hate* shopping for clothes. Even when thin, I was never a fan and would need to fight an urge to bolt from the store, not buying the whatever it was I had gone there for in the first place.

This was going t be made even harder by the fact that it’s pretty hard to find clothes for people as fat as I am. There are special stores of course – but none less than an hour away.

I needed moral support and someone who had a sense of style and lots of opinions on this sort of thing. My 17-year-old daughter was perfect. I asked her to accompany me – and let her pick the stores.

Lord and Taylor was her first choice, but the woman in the sport jacket department looked grim as she told me that she had nothing that would fit. I believe she was more embarrassed by the situation than I was. She did say that while she didn’t want to send me somewhere else, she had heard from other customers that JC Penny had larger sizes.

So we took a walk there. She was right – they catered to a fatter demographic. I found a blue blazer that *just* fits me and a shirt that wasn’t skin-tight. After dealing with a sales clerk who seemed determined to get me to sign up for a JC Penny credit card I did not want – I bolted.

To be honest: if I had gone myself, I would probably have given up after Lord and Taylor.

By the time we came back it was early afternoon and I had not eaten. I had my psyllium, then putzed on my computer and did some chores around the house.

As is typical with me, as the day progressed, things went downhill. Not that I ate particularly bad, but I didn’t eat low carb.

I gave up on Sunday and didn’t try at all. Again, I did not go out of my way to binge – I just ate when hungry. I did have orange juice which I didn’t need. That was probably the largest of my sins.

Monday wasn’t a particularly bad day either, but Tuesday morning I was 278.

Oh well.



I’m not hungry…and then I am

What was it – day 3?

I felt better in subtle and not so subtle ways. It’s not like the weight was flying off, but my head felt, in general, more clear. I didn’t seem to be craving carbs that much – and I passed the new White Castle being built along my work route home not with excited expectation – I had fully planned to be among the first to go there – but with a sadness that comes from Things That Will Never Be.

It’s hard to notice things that *don’t* happen and feelings you *don’t* feel. It seems I am not hungry – well, as I’ve written before, hunger feels different on a low carb diet. To me it feels less urgent – even when present.

I also find that breads and other savory carbs don’t dance in my head like they did only a day or two back. It’s way early to say I’m over them – but it does feel different.

It was 1:30pm before I had my first solid food – 2 tablespoons of butter wrapped in a slice of roast beef – and a string cheese. I did have coffee before that along with some Atkins shake I use as creamer. A container lasts me a few days. Regardless of what the label says I do not refrigerate after opening. It’s usually fine, though on a fe occasions it turns into a semi-solid – which is my signal to ditch and get another one.

I have plenty. I have Amazon auto-ship 48 to my house every month. I started this awhile back as I took a few furtive steps toward dieting again. I find they help.

Things quickly deteriorated late afternoon. First, some nimrod brought in extra Halloween candy and let it unattended in the kitchen. I can assure you that my higher cognitive powers were surely snoozing or out playing golf because no conscious thought went in to my decision to eat some. I didn’t even attempt to rationalize it.

It got worse as a few of my coworkers had a little going away party for a departing colleague. There was beer and champagne as well as chips and dip. I had a beer and some champagne, and a few chips and dip before heading out the door to go home.

And then, I stopped at McDonald’s and bought 3 double cheeseburgers.

Again, the troublesome part was the complete lack of my higher cognitive functions from even *commenting* – it stood by and did nothing.

After the feeding my higher powers of reasoning came back online. They assessed the situation calmly, assigned no guilt I could detect, and went back to doze in a corner.

It pretty much stopped there. I did have 2 large glasses of milk but other than that, did not eat the rest of the night. A voice inside of me said ‘we’ll pick this up tomorrow’ and that was about it.

I think I know what’s going on. I won’t speculate here and now, but I think I need to manage the Executive Function of my brain better.