Somethin’s happenin’ here

Here’s where I’m at. Since I last wrote I got COVID-19, and I got Paxlovid.

And I’m still in ketosis.

And my weight went from like 308 or 309 to about 293. Now I don’t know how long I’ve been on a diet – heck – like I said, it’s not as if I started a diet but rather fell into a diet. I could probably dig up the exact numbers but the thought bores me.

I’m also not really tracking what I eat. Mostly meat and cheese. Some veggies and sausages, burgers and cheese, some eggs, an Atkins shake here and there, and of course coffee and cream. There’s also been some wine – not too much as the Paxlovid can hammer on the liver and I would like to keep it running for at another decade at least.

As to the rest of my life I haven’t changed routines much – more that my routines have changed in the way I respond to them. As I mentioned, I was a doom-scroller, going from link to link, watching the end of the World unfold in 20 different ways at the same time in between Ads for shoes and odd industrial equipment that the ad-bots think I might purchase for some reason (no thank you, I do not need a manometer).

But I am numb to it. I read the news. I understand it. But it doesn’t touch me anymore. I have some intense pressure in work, but there I am also calm. Or numb. Despite some catcalls from the crowd at the moment, I’m performing. I’m present (at least now that I am over the worst of the COVID that is), I have to make things happen, I have to have ideas, and have the passion to convey them to others, but it’s almost as if I am doing it by remote control.

Going back to the food, while I have been surrounded by things I can’t eat, there’s not much of an impact on my psyche. I was eating a lot of takeout and I just…stopped. I’ve even gotten the kid takeout and it really didn’t register.

This all feels, well, unusual. This total noncommittment – a lack of investment in things I felt invested in just recently – makes me wonder: is this the beginning of Mild Cognitive Decline? The first steps on the slippery slope to vascular dementia or Alzheimer’s? Am I beginning ‘the long goodbye’?

Then I think to myself: gee, this seems a deep look at the notion that one might be losing one’s mind – losing one’s grasp on what a diet is supposed to be, what is going on in the world, and in my job, and in the rest of my life – is this the type of thinking that comes along with a cognitive decline? Do people in decline have such thoughts?

Or could this be some transition I am going through where I shed some of my Ego and ease into my 60s leaving behind some of the earnestness – or something else I can’t put my finger on – and just stop fighting some things? Like the diet. Like turning 60 soon. Like the world going to Hell.

Being in Ketosis for a few weeks isn’t it – I’ve found it can lead to personality change before – certainly a calmness from stable blood sugar at least – but I felt this way prior to starting the diet.

Might, despite my overthinking, it be the beginning of somthing as simple as spending a lifetime overthinking only to actually finish?

As simple as the answer to the old joke: why did the chicken cross the road? Or is even that not really as simple as it appears?


5 thoughts on “Somethin’s happenin’ here

  1. Hello again and welcome back!  It is interesting how aligned we are with things.  

    I am heading towards 60 in a few years and I have noticed that numbness and lack of passion towards things has been very prevalent.  I am not depressed, I have an excellent job and I own my own home BUT just don’t care about many things that used to drive over-thinking.  You’d think ‘ah, this is how it is supposed to be’ but it still niggles at me that this somehow feels wrong.  Do I feel I am on a slope of a long goodbye?  No, but still, I should feel more free than I do and it makes me wonder if we don’t suffer on some level, we are doing life wrong.

    I still follow low-carb and I notice as I age, that this style of eating saves my ass when it comes to joint achiness and to some degree, my mood.  A glass (bottle) of wine takes days to overcome when before it was a shitty morning and then that veil lifted.  At least for me, low carb is the right thing.  I eat as clean as possible, avoid packaged low-carb products and focus on quality sleep.  Beyond that, my exercise is the stairs in my three-story home.

    Still, my mood.  I care, but I don’t.  I say I have passion towards something (’cause the employer is watching), but I don’t.  The pandemic has done a few things for me.  One, totally played into my introversion and LOVED it.  Two, like many, I re-evaluated my priorities and moved towards them.  Three, made me look at my relationship with food and how that sleeve of Oreos really does a job on my body.  Have I hit the ‘IDGAS nirvana jackpot?  I seem to be very at ease saying what I need now.  This is new to me and IDGAS what others think.

    Things are never what they seem.  Let’s learn to enjoy the lack of over-the-top overthinking and learn to see things as they really are – or aren’t.  There is freedom in there somewhere.

    1. This reply holds special importance to me because I almost didn’t publish this post. I try to ‘keep it real’ – what’s the point of being a poser? – but this felt maybe a little too honest, too out there. It made me feel vulnerable and alone as I haven’t shared these thoughts with anyone except on this forgotten blog.

      And then you come along and show me that what I’m experiencing resonates with someone else. The details in your comment are so close to what I’m feeling that I feel I could have written it myself.

      So there’s at least 2 of us.

  2. It’s interesting. I have thought I could write what you have written. Two peas in a quirky little pod.

    Your post definitely resonated with me. It is not easy to admit that one’s caring barometer feels skewered so we question ourselves. Just don’t be too hard on yourself. We are evolving, not declining.

    (Love Bo .. good clip!)

  3. Great post. So happy you decided to publish it. I am a 66 year old female. Three years ago I was in a freak accident and nearly lost my leg. 12 surgeries and three long physical rehab stays later (that was most likely made harder by being overweight) and getting older, I have come to the point that you described as caring but not caring. Experience and age has brought me a “que sera sera” attitude and unless I fall over dead, the world is going to keep turning. Freeing as hell and I have come to truly enjoy it. I agree with DT. It’s “evolving” and one of the great joys of getting older. Getting older is not a picnic, but there actually is some good things attached to it. Enjoy whatever peace it brings you. Hang in there. I’m with you.

  4. We are definitely kindred souls. I’ve read your blog off and on (like twice a year?) for years. I may have commented a few times IIRC.

    I’m turning 58 in a few weeks and have had a similar low-carb journey which started back in 2000. Sugar Free Sheila was my inspiration because she’s cute. :^) Sadly I weigh 30 pounds more today than that day in 2000 where I was introduced to Atkins by a new boss eating a salad. Lowest I got was 236. That was a long time ago.

    The references in your post and in the comments about the slope of a long goodbye really scares me. I care but I don’t care. I don’t care until something hurts, I see my PCP, he says its ok, the scare is gone, then I don’t care. Happened recently with swelling in my leg and a potential blood clot from sitting on my butt since March 2020. It was ok, I was relieved and here I am sitting too much again. Before that it was PT on my hips from sitting, too.

    But now the scare is over and I don’t care again even though I know that day could be coming where I really really should have cared and it would’ve prevented whatever health event is coming.

    The coming winter scares me too – what new Covid variant is going to get my vaxed but fat butt? Right now that’s my (sort of) motivation.

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